Reflections (Feb 1998)

A sunset on Kalum Lake during one of the long days of the northern winters, near Terrace, BC. A time of reflection, slowing down and enjoying nature’s beauty. For many, many years I forgot what that felt like. Being a responsible adult to me meant being busy with little time to enjoy the moment. I ate my food quickly, so that I could get my To Do List done. Taking time to notice my breathing and staying in my body feeling the subtle feelings was something I never thought of. My mind had lots of things it liked to remind me To Do, usually quite repeatively.

Trying to figure out why I don’t digest food has forced me to slow down, taking time to breathe especially when I eat. It was not a comfortable feeling and I was surprized at how much tension I was holding in my belly as I put my attention on my food and not a million other things that needed doing. Being in a relationship mirrors back much the same energy. It seemed so much easier to keep busy doing so that I didn’t have to take the time to figure out and ask myself if I was happy. Was I getting emotional satisfaction and support to speak my truth so that true intimancy and feelings could whell up within me and make me teary eyed at a moment’s notice. For most of my life I didn’t know that feelings could be so subtle, only anger and frustration usually warrantted my attention. These outbursts were frowned upon and I even learned to control them and my breathing become more and more shallow as my shoulders rounded forward in an effort to protect my heart. Not wanting to feel pain limited my ability to just be and enjoy beatiful sunsets for as Helen Keller put it so many years ago “Somethings can’t be seen or heard they must be felt by the heart.”

Being present in the moment and tuning into the subtle vibrations that are constantly shifting and dancing in my body is a challenge as my mind likes to chatter and repeat what just happened or associate it with something that happened so long ago. It takes time and effort to quiet the mind and allow the free flow of energy between two people but it is well worth it. Slowing down and really enjoying the taste of each bite of food and savouring each moment that Gerry and I are together brings a sense of calm to my life, somewhat like this months front cover photo. I am learning that everything in life is a reflection of my inner states so I am delighted that this photo spoke to me.

My holiday to Ontario to meet Gerry’s family was much this photograph. I went with no expectations other than to be aware and take it easy. I didn’t think of work once and on the plane trip home I could feel a sense of completness and was anticipating getting back to the office for my body sensations said so, I didn’t have to think about it. The weather was perfect every single day and the last day at Niagara Falls the temperture rose to about twenty above as Gerry and I spent three hours hiking the Gorge. I enjoyed the quietness of Algonquin Park especially after being involved and watching a traditional family open gifts on Christmas Day. I am so glad Gerry enjoys solitude as much as I do. Driving home from Vancouver without music was a real treat.

February for me is traditionally a time I get my theme for the year. Last year it was Being a Teenager and the year before was about Being Five Years Old and the year before that about Support, feeling it 100%. I try and live the theme daily, letting go of old patterns of doing, reminding my mind not to dwell on past expereinces or judgements and enjoy the moment to see what it brings. This year my theme seems to be about Maturity and Trust. After a year of dating Gerry it still feels right for me, Even though there is a twenty year difference in our chronicial ages it doens’t feel like it when we are together. His wisdom, love of books and herbs, the outdoors and hiking as well as our compatibily around cooking and meals is a match made in heaven. Relationships are mirrors for me, letting me know if I am maturing with wisdom or just old programming. Opening my heart to the moment is allowing me to be more in touch with my feelings and my body sensations and that is delightful. I no longer try and ignore them or figure them out with our mind, I just pause, breath deeper and enjoy. Sometimes it is tears and sometimes it feels like my heart is bursting out of my chest, sometimes my body feels excited and sometimes it feels disappointed whatever the feeling it just feels so right to take the time and feel, even if it is the midst of Christmas Dinner. Releasing unspoken feelings because the situation triggered old memories is a gift in itself and I am grateful for each opportunity to lighten the load I am carrying for it allows my shoulder muscles to loosen up just a bit more.

Being in a business partnership with Jan and Marcel is also helping me to mature, they are teaching me the importance of clear communications as is the committee’s I work with. Maturing in a way that I can speak my truth but not be attached to it, letting the universal flow of energy happen as I get myself and my opinions out of the way. Each day brings new insights and strengthens my resolve to heal myself, gently and with love. Dropping the use of will power (which I have lots of) and letting the hidden aspects of myself come to the surface and be accepted and integrated so that I can be whole is allowing deep core healing to happen as I come to understand what health means. As each day brings new awareness and clarity of vision of what I trying to achieve by publishing ISSUES and operating a Holistic Health Centre. Educating those that are ready to change and supporting those on the path is our main focus. Buying the two office building instead of paying rent gives me the long term stability to develop a healing sanctuary that can grow according to the needs of the holistic minded in our community. I think the thirty years of exploring options in the natural ways to get well has given me a strong foundation to be able to help others on their journey as well it gives the experience I need to hold the core energy so that my vision can maifest and provide opportunitues for others to make a living healing themselves and the planet and offering the quiet serene energy that our bodies need so that they can relax deep enough to allow the healing to happen.

It is time once again to ask for what I need. So far I have managed to put down payments on both these building without borrowing any money from the banks and I wish to continue to do so. The owners of the building we just moved into want to be bought out this April. The building is worth $400,000 and I need $300,000 to pay them out. I have the mininum amount of collateral needed to meet the banks requirement but would prefer not to so I am seeking one or several individuals that would like a secure investment of a first mortgage. I am told that land is a much more secure investment than paper backed investments.

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